Heaven held a rare press conference today to announce that, after over a decade of debate among eminent dead scholars, philosophers, and jurists, the Reverend Edgar J. Helms, founder of Goodwill Industries, has been temporarily evicted from Heaven and, for the time being, will be sent to Purgatory. Authorities took this unprecedented move after troubling new questions arose about the actual worthiness of his corporeal life.
Rev. Helms will have to reside in Limbo while his case is being appealed.
A spokesman for Heaven, who would only identify himself as J.R., said that Helms, who died in December of 1942 was, at first, “welcomed to Heaven because he was a kind and decent man who did really good things and was an exemplar of Christian charity.”
J.R. continued: “Yeah, he was one swell dude and will be sorely missed by those who knew and loved him. The problem we are having revolves around one of the oldest and most highly debated philosophical questions: Are we to judge a person by his or her intentions…or should judgment be extended to include the results and/or unintended consequences of a defendant’s behavior?”
“No question that the Reverend’s intentions were sincere and heartfelt but, in the long run, the organization which he founded has been hijacked by demonic forces and is currently being overseen by the greediest bunch of Sociopathic Asshats ever to pop out of a dilated cervix!”
He paused for a refreshing sip from a nearby fountain filled (I assume) with holy water. “These creeps have turned Reverend Helm’s vision into one of the most massive and rapacious con games in human history. A scam which takes in over $4 Billion per year. A scam that pays their disabled employees as little as 22 cents per hour while Goodwill Industries executives are swimming in the lap of luxury with their high salaries and costly perks.”
“JESUS IS NOT PLEASED!” howled J.R. He added that, at the trial, St. Peter testified that “Goodwill makes Bernie Madoff look like a piker driving a wagon around the countryside selling two dollar bottles of snake oil”
“So,” he continued. “In the last three decades or so Dr. Helm’s vision for Goodwill Industries has been deliberately tossed aside by a self-absorbed gimmie-gimmie Goodwill bureaucratic culture that only Ayn Rand would be proud of. I am just guessing as to Ms. Rand’s reaction to this situation…not having first-hand contact with her tormented spirit. I do know this: She is confined in a very dark chamber in a very bad place…chained to a blistering hot stone floor while vermin nibble away at her entrails and birds peck at her eyeballs. Add to that the fact that Wayne Newton’s only hit song, Danke Schoen is on a never-ending tape loop at 125 decibels.”*
“At any rate, I am fairly certain that the nasty old hag would be in no mood to give us her input on the Rev. Helm’s situation after thirty-three years of having to endure that godawful shit!”
*The sound level of a pneumatic riveter from four feet.