One day I hope to commission a velvet painting of my part-time nemesis! For now, however, I am quite content to announce the following:
Robert Smith now has his own channel on YouTube:
The inaugural video below may be the first in an exhaustive* series. It could just as well be the only one. What inspired me to do this was that I finally got around to watching the entire one minute, thirty five second YouTube video of Bob Smith doing a testimonial on behalf of the video production company filming the video.
I never really paid close attention to what was going on and, in the past, I only gave it a 15 or 20 second viewing before my weary eyes and ears hollered to my brain: Enough!
Recently I watched the entire video several times and, by the third or fourth viewing, I was breaking out in paroxysms of laughter at the colossal stupidity of anybody and everybody involved in this video catastrophe…this breech birth of promotional slop.
I can’t seem to get a link to upload to this blog post but the video is easy to find. Go to YouTube and enter the following search term: “Testimonial Goodwill Industries CEO Robert Smith.” Assuming that they haven’t hurriedly erased this annoying production, go ahead and click play. If they have erased it by now at least I am preserving choice fragments of this sad homage from a Naked Emperor. Listen closely, my friend, because I assure you that…
Lyin’ Bob has some STORiES to Tell!
This video is a stunningly poor production using only a single cheap, poor-resolution camera with the client standing against a solid color background. One camera…straight-on.
I don’t know what hit me first: The painfully yellow screen he is standing in front of or the fact that he doesn’t enunciate his lines with anything approaching self-confident clarity. I haven’t counted how many times Bob said the word “Stories” but I’ve got that on my list of things to do sometime soon.
Another rather strange thing is the way they framed him. I am assuming that he is standing there with his hands on his waist. You can’t really tell as the camera is fixed in one position just above old Bob’s belly button.
As I watched I was struck with a mental image of Bob holding a pair of dumb bells. Why on earth didn’t the camera guy enlarge the focus area? He made Lyin’ Bob look extremely silly…and…for that…I am thankful. Two years on and nobody in his inner circle has the balls (or gumption) to tell him to either redo or flush this POS video? Maybe they want him to look like a damned fool.
All the while he is waxing ineloquently about what a great bunch of guys these here film dudes are and how they REALLY know how to TELL THE STORY much better than all of those OTHER video production companies in Charleston!
Is Bob blind? Did the producer screen the final product for him and get a cheery thumbs-up from this clueless dope? Did he not notice the cheap camera work and the glow effect that was applied to the footage?
This video would have been a lot more interesting if had been Bob sitting behind a desk with all of his cheezy trophies and plaques…or…Bob wearing a polka-dot speedo while rolling across the ground in a field of tulips with a deranged albino dwarf whipping him about the buttocks with a ping pong paddle?
They could have fastened a video camera to the rail of a giant Ferris Wheel and have Bob do his spiel while sitting next to a drunken, bearded, cross-eyed Canadian lumberjack wielding an insanely sharp double-headed axe…
Those backgrounds would have been a lot more professional (and interesting) than the blank, Snot Yellow screen that Bob is filmed in front of.
This video looks like pure shit! How could anybody, with any sense at all, view it and not scream “You’re Fired!” Bob drones on and on with his damn stupid stories that aren’t really stories but endless mumbling about how Goodwill is so great and these video guys are simply FABULOUS at helping them tell those all important STORIES !
I dunno but, it would seem to me that if you were to request a client to do a testimonial about how fabulous your film making skills are…well, you ought to put just a little bit of effort in producing and uploading a professional looking video. Doesn’t it seem logical that if you decide to produce a video with some ignorant lout touting your terrific video skills…maybe you ought to make sure that the final product shows just a tiny bit of talent and doesn’t look as if it was filmed, directed, and edited by a drunk in a monkey suit?
And then there’s Lyin’ Bob…oblivious to anything but his own reflection in the camera lens…swearing up and down that this video company is the BEST HE HAS EVER SEEN! BAR NONE! YEE-HAW! HIRE THESE GUYS!
WTF? Is this video company owned by some cousin of the Smiths or perhaps a ne’er-do-well in-law needing to make a couple of bucks? Stranger things have happened. Witness the hiring of Bob’s son David who appears to be on the fast track to his own coronation. Palmetto Goodwill is definitely evolving into a family affair…
I have already established that Bob lied to the Charleston Post and Courier. It is not a long stretch to believe that this guy actually believes most of the stupid shit that poots out of his mouth.
Anyway, here is the first entry as we flop into the ERA OF VIDEO BOB!
Afterword: Please note that there are bunches of video hosting sites on the internet. Close this YT space down and I will come back badder and madder on another website. Remember what happened when we went through the last stupid little legal complaint? I drowned this site in new ideas. Go ahead, INSPIRE ME!
* To those who read footnotes please note that the word”exhaustive” is a clue as to what you might expect in a YouTube video with the word “Shit” in it.