Alfonso Gooch, a spokesman for Palmetto Goodwill, announced at a press conference today that their organization has retained the services of Slender Man and Associates, a business consulting service based out of Wisconsin. “Over the past few years we have been facing issues regarding possible Hispanic gang activity at our outlet locations,” said Mr. Gooch. “Our customers refer to this operation as the ‘Pound Store’ as almost everything is sold by weight. At any rate, we have received numerous complaints that folks are being pushed, shoved, yelled at, and generally threatened by loosely organized groups of mostly Hispanic shoppers. This behavior will not be tolerated! We have faith that Slender Man will implement some common sense solutions. We are also alarmed that more traditional, established white gangsters and thieves are being forced out of the new outlet store.”
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This reporter has been following the story as Goodwills across the country deal with Hispanic gang activity. Before I was banned from the old Pound Store (for telling the truth*), I saw many instances of old time shoppers being shoved, threatened, and generally abused by young, aggressive, and quite desperate young Hispanic males who were looking for product to sell online and at local flea markets. The general impression that I got from Palmetto Goodwill officials and employees is that they really didn’t give a hoot who was roughed up as long as the money continued to flow in abundance. Here are a few of the links which will provide some idea as to the scope of the problem:
Years ago, on a very crowded Friday afternoon, I witnessed one of these idiots walking down an isle. He came to a dead stop, lifted his finger to his left nostril, and blew a huge stream of snot onto the tiled floor. That accomplished, he repeated the process with the right nostril. I was no more than 20 feet away from him. He looked at me, let go with a big gold-toothed grin, and continued on his way. He probably figured that since this behavior was okay in a Guadalupe corn field it would be just fine in a Goodwill thrift store. I hate to admit it but, in a twisted way, I can understand the logic of this argument.
Mr. Gooch also said that the Slender Man consulting firm will be looking into ways to further decrease employee salaries by utilizing the 14(c) provisions of the Wage and Hour Act (which allow organizations to pay subminimum wages to disabled employees). He also said that lobbyists for Goodwill International were trying to get congressional approval to pay disabled folks not with cash, but with loaves of day old bread, cans of expired creamed corn, and broken up boxes of sanitary napkins.
“Last year Brian Williams of NBC news did a series of reports about Goodwill’s poor treatment and underpayment of disabled workers. We were disappointed to learn that Palmetto Goodwill was not among the 13 out of 165 Goodwill franchises that got away with paying these blind dip shits, pitiful cripples, and drooling retards twenty-two cents per hour. We really feel like these useless dolts ripped us off. We can’t get our money back but we sure as hell can make their lives as miserable as possible.”**
“An internal review showed that our lowest paid fuck-up was getting a buck eighty an hour. That’s outrageous! We hope that Slender Man will lead the way in helping us figure out how to become an even more despicable, heartless, and dishonest organization than one would think possible! We want to be to Non-Profits what Pol-Pot was to responsible government.”
When asked about the recent attempted murder of a young girl by two of her twelve-year old “friends” (who idolized Slender Man and sought to gain his favor through this despicable act) Mr. Gooch could only loudly slur out, “I don’t know nothin’ ’bout that!” He burped loudly. A bottle of MD 20-20 fell out of his back pocket. He stumbled off the podium and threw up into a nearby wastebasket. After wiping his face on his coat sleeve he regained his composure and returned to the podium. He started to mumble something about Jesus forgiving him but stopped when he realized that he was standing with his back to the gathered news hounds and was, in essence, talking to a full length mirror…oblivious to the executive staff seated in front of it.
Mr. Gooch turned around and continued: “Another issue that is of great concern to us is the trend among some over-zealous, conscience driven employees of Goodwill who, against company regulations, take pity upon the occasional poor wretch who asks for a discount on badly needed personal items so he or she may live with a modicum of dignity. Such behavior will not be tolerated…especially since we are striving so hard to make sure the son of our CEO gets his bonus this year. The executive staff feels that a brand new Lexus will help to establish the image he needs when the time comes for him to take over the family business when his father retires. Every penny sacrificed to give a bit of dignity to some useless mouth-breathing bum is stealing from the gilded pockets of the heir apparent. We hope Slender Man will be able to identify any and all morally superior, bleeding-heart employees in our organization so we can give them the boot they deserve.”
The executive staff of Palmetto Goodwill, seated on the raised platform behind the podium, was so moved by Mr. Gooch’s impassioned speech that, in unison, they arose in jubilation and started jumping up and down hollering praises to Satan. Bob Smith, the CEO, gave Mr. Gooch a hearty pat on the back, grabbed the microphone, and invited all of the attendees to attend the post conference buffet/blood sacrifice.
I have to admit that the post press conference schmooze was above average. The food, as usual, was decent (except for those damned imported shrimp). Once again, a goat was hustled out onto the altar and some dude in a black robe (with what appeared to be glowing charcoal briquettes for eyes) jammed a ceremonial knife into the hapless critter. A ram’s horn was sounded and the crowd flocked to the stage where a barbershop quartet bleated out some rather sinister tunes. Members included Slender Man, David Smith, Bob Smith, and Tom Crawford from WCIV-TV. This was quite an honor for old Tom who was also recognized that evening as Palmetto Goodwill’s Number One Go-To Guy in the Charleston Media. He was given a framed plaque, a family size box of KFC chicken livers, and a set of fake rubber testicles for his Prius.
The press pack contained brief bios of the barbershop quartet, “Hell’s Boils.” It also included a lyric sheet to their new hit single, “Hot Lovin’ Lucifer.”
We’re gonna screw over all the pore folks ’cause the Devil done told us to.
Gonna fire their lazy asses. That’s what we like to do!
We’ll pay them next to nothin’…and skim off all of the cream
Leave them curds and bread crumbs while we crush all their hopes and dreams.
Oh, Lordy (Chorus)
Lucifer is my master ’cause he’s so damn good you see!
I don’t care who I fuck over, long as somethin’s in it for me!
I am yours…heart and soul and when this life is through…
I’ll kick off the coals, grab my ankles, and give my love to you!
All in all (despite the trash can vomit and forgive me Jesus episode) the press conference was nimbly conducted by Mr. Gooch. I think he was taken back a bit, however, when I asked him if he would like to express his thanks to the clueless (if not amoral) dunderheads in the Lowcountry media who spend so much time and energy polishing the giant, reeking, peanut-covered turd known as Palmetto Goodwill.
Postscript: Inside sources tell me that Mr. Gooch seems to have vanished from the face of the earth. He was asked by Slender Man to make a midnight run to Hell Hole swamp to scout for possible store locations and hasn’t been seen since. Berkeley County Police recovered his mini-van which was loaded to the gills with high-end stereo gear, designer dresses and shoes, fur coats, diamond rings, valuable first edition books, antique clocks, sealed Beatles LP records, Armani suits, and other pricey baubles and knick-knacks. The items were determined to be stolen and were returned to Goodwill.
* See article on this blog titled “Did Palmetto Goodwill CEO Lie To The Charleston Post and Courier?” At the end, there is an account of my experience with the most destructive gang at Goodwill…the one that is run by the CEO and his fawning minions.
** See article on this blog titled “The Most Interesting CEO in the World.”