Friends, relatives, co-workers, and fawning sycophants of the notorious CEO of Palmetto Goodwill, Robert (Bob) Smith, came together to impose an intervention on the tormented, goofy charity executive. They felt that his compulsive lying was no longer serving either him or Goodwill Industries and that the issue needed to be addressed in a confined treatment environment. Things went awry when Bob pitched a hissy fit and ran into his back yard where he scurried up his favorite lying tree.
The fire department and EMS responded to several calls by concerned neighbors. All attempts to get him to climb down were futile and a command decision was made. An animal control officer fired a tranquilizer gun at the hooting, screaming CEO and, when he finally conked out, firemen caught him in a safety net. He was carted off, under heavy sedation, to a very exclusive rehabilitation center in Asheville, NC. Compulsive liars are very difficult to treat as that characteristic is indicative of a narcissistic personality disorder. The facility in Asheville is on the cutting edge of experimental treatments for narcissism.
When questioned by this reporter as to why they were holding an intervention, one highly placed Goodwill insider (who requested anonymity) said: “Okay…so you want to know the truth? We all knew Bob had a problem with lying..but mostly it was about really big things…you know…stuff that makes him so rich and successful. You know…stuff like “At Goodwill, 99.9999% of our income goes back into the community” and “We don’t take any money from government!” and “I really care about poor folks!”
“My favorite BS Bob routine is the one where he tearfully confesses to anybody in the media: “I cried, fell on my knees, and accepted Jesus!” Boy! That one is a real hoot! Bob and Jesus! Ha! Ha! I can’t help myself. The first time I heard him spit out the Jesus lie I laughed so hard I snarfed hot coffee out of my nose! And the media idiots just sit there and suck it up. Crap in a nap sack! The real Jesus spent a small portion of his time on this earth chasing guys like Bob around with a whip!”
“All of these lies were understandable and easy to overlook because, quite frankly, we all profited from them.”
“We ignored this behavior for a long time but, when he just started lying all the time about silly little shit…that’s when we got worried. One day, we were at a board meeting when Bob got up, walked to the window, and commented on how big the hail from the storm was. I mean, what the heck, it wasn’t even overcast. It was clear as a bell and not a cloud was in the sky!”
“Big as golf balls, for sure! Hey, Tina! You left your car windows down!”
“Poor Tina! She just sat there befuddled and confused. I looked at Bob. His eyebrows were all furrowed and he was staring a hole right thru that poor girl. She finally came to her senses and ran for the conference room door. She turned around and said “But I don’t have an umbrella!” Bob told her to grab the one in his office. Next thing you know we’re all looking out the window down at the parking lot and here comes Tina…trotting out of the building, twirling that umbrella, and slipping all around like she was running on ice. She had given the janitor a fiver and he stood out of sight under the awning spraying her with the garden hose as she was running to her car.”
“Tina has always been a no-holds-barred company loyalist. Smart Girl! She even stopped by the executive lounge and threw some ice cubes into a plastic bucket. When she returned to the conference room she was soaking wet. Well, that girl walked over to Bob and held up what was clearly a man-made ice cube. She got this really big grin on her face and said: “Gosh, Darn, Bob! You’re right again! They are almost exactly the size of golf balls!”
“The first sign that we suspected that something wasn’t quite right was late in October of 2011. We have a fun tradition at HQ to dress up in costume on Halloween. I whipped up a wicked Count Dracula. Bob’s son David wore a giant head-to-toe hot dog in a bun but his wiener kept falling out and he finally tossed it and just went with solo bun. I heard somebody comment that it looked more like a baked vagina.”
“Bob, who is a big fan of the old Gunsmoke TV series, came dressed as Deputy Festus Haggen. His costume was perfect and he had the accent down to a T. The problem was that he came to work the next day still dressed as Festus and continued to wear the costume all the way through Thanksgiving. He would walk around the building and poke his head in various offices asking if anybody “done seen Miss Kitty. The Longbranch Saloon is closed and I need to wet my whistle.” To make matters worse, he stopped bathing and brushing his teeth.”
“On a positive note, however, we could hear him coming from a good distance due to the jangling of his spurs. He also used a coconut cut in half to make horse galloping sounds. It sort of reminded me of a Western version of the horse/coconut scene from Monty Python’s “Holy Grail.” I was going to mention this to him but decided against it. I feared that he would become obsessed with Python characters and would subject us to his impressions when the next Halloween rolled around.”
“Bob finally let go of the Festus fantasy but didn’t start bathing again. He moved into his office and slept under his desk all the way through Christmas. Now that was weird. Bob has always excited about Christmas and was known for his playful little gags during the holiday season but he really went off the deep end that year. He was shuffling around his office in a bathrobe and eating mostly microwave burritos and those crappy, cheap chicken pot pies.”
“Bob must have gotten a bit lonely, however, because one morning we got to work to discover that the previous night he had driven downtown and had hired a bum named Wheezy to wear a Christmas tree costume that somebody had donated at one of our stores. Wheezy settled into Bob’s office for the long haul. The stench in that room was God awful. The bad part was that Bob hired a photographer to come by and take a Christmas greetings picture of him and his newfound buddy. He ordered one thousand greeting cards with envelopes. Bob made us print up address stickers. We did as we were told and Bob and Wheezy sat down and stuffed and licked envelopes for about four hours. Damn those envelopes were dirty…and stained…and they smelled ghastly. I took them home and burned them.”
“Anyway, somebody made an anonymous phone call to DHEC and they condemned his office. Bob went home, cleaned up, and came back the next day all chirpy and happy…as if nothing had happened.”
Palmetto Goodwill’s PR machine has been supportive of their beloved CEO and even released a few pictures of Bob as he grapples with his issues at the North Carolina treatment center…