Apology to Palmetto Goodwill

Okay, I admit it. I was way off base with my scathing criticism of your new mascot, Bongo Monkey Turd (see previous article). I was wrong…period. BMT has grown on me over the last few days and I am ready to jump on the turd wagon. This was a masterful exercise in corporate promotion. I put it right up there with the idiot from the M&M’s company who told Spielberg to take a hike when he asked permission to use their product in his movie “E.T.”… Spielberg went with Skittles and the rest is history. Oh, wait…maybe that wasn’t such a good analogy. Too late, however, as the delete button on my keyboard is broken and I can only move forward.

This is a
This is a “serpent”

I understand that the executive committee chosen to develop the mascot idea was torn between calling him Bongo Monkey Turd and Serpent Monkey Turd. The Bongo faction eventually won out after a hotly contested debate. I think this was a wise decision. Anybody who knows anything about musical instruments knows that the out-of-date Serpent is hard enough for a human to blow let alone a monkey. (… lifted from the net: “A serpent is a bass wind instrument, descended from the cornett, and a distant ancestor of the tuba, with a mouthpiece like a brass instrument but side holes like a woodwind.”)

The bongos faction won out because the monkey in the turd suit took to it right away. I understand that he tried to play the serpent but only succeeded in pooting out a few fart-like sounds while blowing monkey spittle all over the stage. The executives in the room finally succeeded in wrestling the unwieldy instrument away from him but not before he managed to swallow the mouthpiece. Thank God for the Heimlich maneuver! I have to admit to a pang of jealousy here because #47 on my bucket list is to administer this life saving procedure to a monkey. I did it successfully on a human being back in 1975 and, from that point on, I was hooked.

They finally reached a consensus that the monkey would have to play the bongos. Even an idiot can sit in the lotus position and beat on some bongos (experience talking here). I do, however, understand the affinity that certain individuals at Palmetto Goodwill may have with the term “serpent”.

Based on highly unreliable hearsay, I was able to construct a photoshop of Bongo Monkey Turd’s first audition at Goodwill HQ:

I also commend Palmetto Goodwill for sending Bongo Monkey Turd to our public school system to act as a de-motivational tool for the droolers and doodle-heads among our children. If we were truthful with ourselves we would admit that not every kid is destined for rocket science or medicine. We, as a nation, need a continuing supply of curbside garbage pickers, aluminum can hustlers, nursing home butt wipers, and desperate, unemployed recent law school grads making ends meet doing God only knows what.

As excited I am for our local thrift store behemoth I think that, although the concept is good, it could still be improved. Maybe what BMT needs is a sidekick…some character who will always be there to offer encouragement and support when times get rough. After all, Batman has Robin and Archie has Jughead. Where would Leopold have been without Loeb? Here is what I imagine an open audition might look like:


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