Note: This is the fourth in a series of articles about Goodwill Industries of Lower South Carolina (aka Palmetto Goodwill). The first article was “Howdy Doody Charleston Post and Courier” followed by “Did Goodwill CEO Lie to the Charleston Post and Courier?” and “Uncle Bob’s Cabin.”
This is a new, updated version of an older post that I removed. Goodwill’s lawyers raised heck with wordpress about me posting degrading images of Smiling G, their mascot. All the money that Palmetto Goodwill has thrown at their law firm and the best that they can come up with is a wimpy copyright complaint? Talk about turtles. It took them over a year to execute this masterpiece of legal sleuthing.
Too much dingle…too little berry.
What to do? What to do? I got it! Create a new mascot over which I own the copyright! Pure satire without the bugaboo lawyers! What a gas! Stay tuned as there is much more to come…
Palmetto Goodwill unveiled their new mascot, Bongo Monkey Turd (aka: BMT) today at the ground breaking ceremony for a new store in Charleston, South Carolina. Located on land leased from county government at the Bee’s Ferry landfill, Goodwill spokesman Bert “Fuzzy” Smudge said that this store represents a new trend in thrift store marketing: “In these hard economic times fewer people are donating their goods and opting, instead, to either sell their unwanted possessions online or taking them to consignment stores. At Goodwill we are adjusting to this trend by opening this first-of-a-kind store right smack dab in the middle of a landfill. This is an excellent opportunity for our organization to have first dibs on the mounds of gently used oil-soaked rags and banana peels that abound in this great new location.”
While I agreed with Fuzzy that greasy rags and banana peels would represent an upgrade in the quality of the merchandise currently offered for sale at local Goodwills, I couldn’t help but noticing that, as he was speaking, BMT had just drop-kicked a rat the size of a fox-terrier. When that didn’t seem to deter the formidable looking beast, Bongo whipped out a .22 pistol and fired a half-dozen rounds into the squirming, gasping rodent…a really amazing feat of monkey marksmanship.
The mascot then danced a little monkey jig, picked up the dead rat by the tail, twirled it around like a watch fob, made a loud whooping sound, and launched the mangled carcass in the direction of a huge bulldozer that was looming in the background.
Someone should complain to the ASPCA. If you were a pistol-packing monkey would you want to jump around in a fiberglass turd costume? They’re damned lucky old Bongo didn’t whip out an automatic rifle.
When asked why Palmetto Goodwill didn’t just go with the Smiling G mascot instead of the bongo playing monkey turd, Fuzzy said: “You got to be kidding! I mean…just look at Smiling G. This is not the sort of image that our organization wants to put out to the public. The costume construction is flimsy and cheap looking. It lends itself to ridicule. I have heard Smiling G called all sorts of names that, in deference to good taste, I cannot mention here. We wanted our mascot to be a unique reflection of our organization, our principles, and our outstanding leadership as well. What could be better to get that important message across than a bongo playing monkey in a fiberglass turd costume?
Although the occasion was fairly typical as such events go, I must chide Goodwill for scrimping on the goodies one would expect at a groundbreaking ceremony. They advertised a live band and refreshments. The band consisted of one amateur rapper who left his beat box at home and would up using a discarded cymbal crashing monkey toy to lay down the beat. Now, I have seen some strange white rappers in my time but this guy took the cake. He called his bad self “Mo-Funky Meat Daddy” and, from what I understood, he was provided at no charge by the public relations arm of the South Carolina Meat Association. When he finished his gig he tossed the T-Bone steak around his neck to the gathered crowd. Lucky me!
Mo Funky Meat Daddy’s performance would have been a disaster had not BMT filled out the sound with his rather tastful Latin flavored bongo riffs.
The “refreshments” consisted of expired potato chips, something brown and lumpy on toothpicks, and mouthwash. Talk about cheap! Even the recycled barf bags had the PanAm logo on them…must have been a store donation.
On the plus side, however, Palmetto Goodwill did bus in some poor kids to take part in the festivities. This was very thoughtful of them but, instead of bulldozer rides, maybe they should have rented a bounce castle.
The celebratory nature of this ceremony was marred by protesters who lived at the landfill and felt that a Goodwill store would drive down property values, cause traffic congestion, and bring in unwanted lowlifes to disturb the peace and tranquility of their neighborhood. “We wouldn’t mind a Walmart, or a Family Dollar so much,” said one resident. “At least those stores are affordable, but Goodwill? No way! I mean those crummy freaks are trying to get $3.79 for nasty old used tee shirts. Who can afford that? I recently purchased five new name brand tee shirts for three bucks each from Walmart. I am not willing to fork out an extra seventy-nine cents for a “World’s Best Grandpa” tee shirt that smells like Metamucil. Who would wear a New Kids on the Block tee shirt with Jordan Knight’s nose defaced with a magic marker to look like a penis? Who the hell is Goodwill trying to fool?”
While I understand and appreciate the remarkable ability of our local Goodwill to adjust to economic hard times by seeking new retail venues, I have to say that, as far as mascots go, Bongo Monkey Turd is one of the worst that I have ever seen. Cheap bastards wouldn’t even fork over the money to hire a real human being to wear the costume. Instead they bring in a trained monkey. I don’t think monkeys are covered by either minimum wage laws or workman comp regulations so I guess this was a purely financial decision. I wonder if his salary is being paid through a government grant?
As I write this, some dork executive over at Palmetto Goodwill is probably wildly slapping a computer keyboard…putting the final touches on an extended grant proposal titled: “Long term behavior modeling in the human-simian workplace: Redefining the banana-based model of employee reward dynamics.” I bet there’s a whole bunch of monkey graphs in that one.
On the other hand, if they had hired a real human to wear the mascot costume, they would have to call him Bongo Turd. I have to admit that Bongo Monkey Turd is more phonetically interesting than plain old Bongo Turd. It would have been even better if the monkey had a bong instead of a bongo. What a difference one vowel makes!
If someone out there wants to use either the name Bong Monkey Turd or Bongo Monkey Turd as a band name I will grudgingly accept substantial royalties.
Goodwill may get into trouble referring to the new mascot by the initials BMT because that is a trademark of Subway Sandwiches and is used to advertise the “Biggest, Meatiest, Tastiest” sandwich in their lineup. This is one of their most popular items (Genoa salami, pepperoni, ham, and your choice of tasty salads). I don’t think Subway would appreciate their fine fare being defamed by a bongo playing monkey in a fiberglass turd suit.
Another thing that bugs me about this new mascot is the moose hat. What the hell does a moose hat have to do with a monkey turd costume? That hat bears a suspicious resemblance to Bullwinkle’s antlers. Somebody should file a copyright infringement complaint with Jay Ward Productions, the rightful owner of the Bullwinkle trademark. On the other hand, it could just be a generic moose hat…so never mind.
My inside source told me that when BMT was first taken by his trainer to company HQ, the monkey flipped out and trashed an entire floor. He described a wild and scary experience that left a covey of corporate boobs cowering beneath their desks…frantically searching for mace canisters stashed somewhere in their drawers while fumbling with their cell phones trying to dial 911.
911 Operator: “911…Please state your emergency.”
Goodwill employee: “It’s Palmetto Goodwill…Come quick! Bongo Monkey Turd is on a rampage!”
911 Operator: “You have a monkey and you name it’s turds? Are you high?”
911 Operator: “I thought that your mascot was Smiling G-Spot?”
Goodwill employee: “No, that’s the mascot of Goodwill International. And, the name is just Smiling G. There is no spot in it. That would be lewd. We decided to go in a different direction and Bongo Monkey Turd is what we chose.”
911 Operator: “Okay…but I’m still confused as to what you want me to do.”
Goodwill employee: “Operator! This is an emergency! The monkey is out of control. Our mace canisters are out-of-date except for one and old Tom pointed it in the wrong direction and sprayed himself!”
911 Operator: “As bad as the Smiling G-Spot mascot is, I think the bongo playing monkey in a turd costume is even worse!”
Goodwill employee: “Well, that’s a matter of opinion. Please, operator, send a cop over here!”
911 Operator: “Are you sure you don’t want me to send over animal control? If there’s a monkey involved the police will not respond.”
911 Operator: “Well, that’s what monkeys do. If you had hired a human being to wear the costume chances are pretty good that he wouldn’t be tossing poo.”
Goodwill employee: “I’m with you on that but I am just a flunky here. I go with the flow. The monkey is the nephew of our CEO and he needed a job. Our original choice was David, the son of the CEO. He proved to be untrainable and preferred sitting in an office playing fantasy football with the monkey. The monkey beat him repeatedly and David got so pissed off that he started hurling his own feces around HQ. I think that’s how the monkey picked up this nasty habit.”
911 Operator: “Sounds like nepotism to me.”
911 operator: “Burping the worm? What the hell is that?”
Goodwill employee: “He’s crowning the king, cuffing the carrot, doing the devil’s handshake, draining the vein, doing a flute solo, fondling the fig, galloping the antelope, punishing Percy, playing five against one, doing a dishonorable discharge, doodle whacking, rolling the fleshy blunt, shining the pole. Doesn’t any of this ring a bell?”
911 Operator: “Why in the hell is he ringing a bell? Is it somebody’s birthday? I’m still confused.”
Goodwill employee: “Dammit. Can’t you understand plain English? He’s bashing his candle, beating the bishop, bleeding the weed, bludgeoning the beefsteak, buttering his corn, charming the cobra, boppin’ the baloney, punchin‘ the clown, shuckin‘ Bubba, SLAPPING THE CYCLOPS!”
911 Operator: “Hold on a minute! You got a crazy man, an out-of-control monkey, and a CYCLOPS over there? Maybe you should just poke him in the eye. It ain’t like he’s got a spare!”
Goodwill employee: HE’S CHOKING CHARLIE ‘TILL HE THROWS UP!”
911 operator: “Who’s Charlie?”
Goodwill employee: “Charlie’s not a who, it’s a what.”
911 operator: “Charlie Watts is over there? The guitar player for the Rolling Stones? I thought he was dead.”
Goodwill employee: “No! Charlie Watts is their drummer. He’s very much alive. It was Brian Jones who died. That was way back in 1969.”
911 operator: “Yeah, that’s right. I remember now. He drowned in a swimming pool. What a tragedy. Say hello to Charlie for me!”