Note: This is the fifth in a series of articles about Goodwill Industries of Lower South Carolina (aka Palmetto Goodwill). The first article was “Howdy Doody Charleston Post and Courier” followed by “Did Goodwill CEO Lie to the Charleston Post and Courier?” and “Uncle Bob’s Cabin”. The first three articles are a serious look at the workings of our local Goodwill. Subsequent articles are a satirical look at a flawed “charity.”
Palmetto Goodwill held their annual Corn Dog Gala last Friday night at their headquarters off of Rivers Avenue. CEO Robert Smith, bowing to pressure from his Board of Directors, came to grips with his ongoing feud with this blogger over Goodwill’s failure to prosecute the theft ring that stole them blind and the subsequent coverup which ensued. “I’m really sorry about this whole affair,” Mr. Smith stated. “What I’m trying to say is that I was just behaving like your typical self absorbed corporate putz when I decided to punish Mr. Geddings instead of the creeps who circumvented our loss prevention program and made off with a butt load of expensive donations. I don’t know what got into me,” he continued, “I just want to say that I have had a back to Jesus moment and needed to right this terrible wrong that I have committed. To this end, I would like to present Mr. Geddings with a whistleblower award in recognition of the service that he has provided to not just our organization, but the Lowcountry community as well.”
It seems that, judging by Mr. Smith’s current physical appearance, the entire affair has wreaked a terrible toll on his physical well-being. He was rather stooped and mottled looking and it appeared as if he hadn’t showered or brushed his teeth in months. Attendees also expressed some concern about old Bob’s mental state as well…especially when a goose popped out of his pants as he was making his award presentation speech.
When asked if he was going to consider restitution for the monetary damage inflicted upon Mr. Geddings as a result of his egregious behavior he said, “Oh, hell no! No way! That might cut into my bonus money. It’s mine…all mine…brawhaa…brawhaa!” He spit out a rotten tooth and continued, “This plaque cost thirty-five bucks and the silly sonabich gets to eat all the corn dogs he can shove down his gullet. That should be enough to make any muckraking douche-monkey happy…brawhaa, brawhaa!”
The event was marred when one of Mr. Geddings’ grandkids took offense as the Goodwill mascot, Smiling G, approached his kid brother with a corn dog offering. Fortunately there was a fire extinguisher handy and the operator emerged shaken and bewildered…but uninjured. The costume, however, was declared a total loss. This seemed rather anticlimactic, however, because this mascot idea was a total loss even before it was immolated.